Getting the sex you want
What does it mean to us to be intimate with someone? What does it mean to make love? Have sex? Get our rocks off? Are they all talking about the same thing?
How we choose to be with someone at any given time is up to us, as is the meaning we assign to it. Too often we are limiting ourselves to the expectations others have of us, or that we have of ourselves. Are we truly free in the moment to experience that which we desire? Do/Does the person/people we are with respect our choices, needs and wants and are we respecting theirs? How do we feel when we move away from that moment? Satisfied? Entranced? Loved? Desired? Enthralled? Guilty? Ashamed? Degraded? How do we want to feel? How prepared are we, or able, to have intimate, sexual experiences that leave us feeling the way we want?
If you are a teenager or someone over the age of 60, the messages you are getting from society are that you shouldn’t be concerning yourself with such things, because you really shouldn’t be doing it and it shouldn’t be a big deal.
The 18 – 59 year olds are free to enjoy themselves … and no questions will be asked as long as it’s heterosexual, you feel some level of commitment to the person, you don’t discuss it with anyone, it’s not kinky, and you’re not getting paid.
That’s a lot of people outside the confines who potentially aren’t feeling worthy or supported to access resources, education, workshops, discussion groups, Meet Ups or health care and advice.
A friend of mine in her late 70s is confused. She wants to enjoy an intimate relationship with her partner, but with age, their bodies have changed and things that use to work aren’t anymore. They still enjoy the intimacy of being together but they want more. She talks with her similar aged friends and they all say the same. No one is willing to explore with them what they need, what they can do and/or what tips and tricks might make a difference.
It might be that we have to start to educate ourselves first then start having these conversations with our friends, each other, our health professionals.
We will get the sex we want when we talk about the sex we want and are proactive in inviting that into our lives.
Some things you can do:
· Become knowledgeable about the basics of sexuality – read a quality publication such as Chantelle Otten’s “The Sex Ed You Never Had”
· Share thoughts, ideas, wants and desires with your partner. To help, maybe download an app such as “Spicer” to stimulate some interesting conversations.
· Get healthy – eat nutritious food in moderation, move your body every day in a way that feels good and aim for a minimum of 7 hours sleep a night.
· Be present and in the moment when you are with another/others, intimately. Focus on how you feel, and how they feel, what feels good and what you would like to explore, not just the end result.
· See a GP if you think you may have medical issues affecting your sexual experiences or expression.
· Ask for a referral to a sexologist to address issues that feel too difficult.
Prioritising a pleasurable, fulfilling sexual life is good for us … at any age.